Feeling …like me

The mastectomy was 8 weeks ago this past Monday.  So hard to believe.  Week 5 of Tamoxifen… Day 1 of the rest of my life.

Right after surgery, it felt like I wore a cast iron bra (going bra-less no less!).  Heavy and tightness were the two primary feeling…. oh, and of course the extra-sensitive skin from being scraped and stretched, pushed, prodded, and cut.

After the tubes were removed, I attempted (with glee) to sleep on my side once more, only to find that the reconstruction stitches were so tight that it felt like I  was sleeping on a rock.  I compensated, shoving blankets and pillows around/under me.

Finally, after stretching exercises daily, weight lifting, and cardio, I can say that I am starting to feel like me…..  I still know that it isn’t of course, but it isn’t present, reminding me every minute of the day… and thats what feels like me too… the absence of remembering and freedom to do things without thinking twice about it.

Of course every day I rub scar cream on the scars and stretch, and every day when I do that, I check for any little nasty surprise lumps, that thankfully are not there…. but the days are returning to a new normal.  And I approach the ringing in of 2012 with much gusto, happy to leave 2011 in the past, with the me that used to be.

Have things changed for me?  Yes most certainly.  Because we cannot control events…and sometimes we are fortunate enough to guide them to our desired direction, but not always…. and so yes, there will always be change.  And there will always be acceptance in learning to adapt and re-create oneself…and perhaps, just perhaps…that is not entirely a bad thing.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Helene Jeanette
    Dec 08, 2011 @ 00:00:15

    There’s so much out there that talks about acceptance- attachments causing pain & suffering. And so I figure that at some point, you will no longer need scar cream because you’ve moved beyond scars and pain and yes, Tamoxifin will still be there for a while longer, but it becomes a habit. You’re right….we certainly cannot control events, we can only let them be drops of water on us. And yes, there is always change.

    Reply

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